My children are difficult, and that's ok.

I'm sitting here typing this on my phone as I struggle to get my 5 year old to quit picking her nose and take a nap. My baby has been on me ALL DAY (literally I've worn her all morning) and I just took her off to get some me time and put her in her swing. She's currently staring at me- pissed. 

Maybe someday both my kids will sleep at the same time. 

I've been catching myself feeling down lately. I don't know if it's the fact that Brandon had to work 2 weeks on the night shift, and then now he's on 1 week of 2 on the going out of town route that has me feeling sorry for myself. 

I'm completely exhausted. My baby is extremely fussy, like her sister before her and my 5 year old is extremely way more difficult than any other 5 year old I've ever met. Doing it alone most days this past month has worn me down. My mama brain is fried. My arms ache from swinging, bouncing, holding a screaming baby in them 23 hours out of the day. (Including nights, those are the worst.) 

I had to sit back and let myself cry last night because my baby was screaming. AGAIN. and nothing I did made her feel better. I finally had to set her down and cry for a bit. It's usually 9-12 that she does this- EVERY NIGHT.

I'm always up thinking, "what am I doing wrong? What did I eat? Why do I always have the babies with colic? Why is it that Lillian is so crazy compared to other kids?" WHY WHY WHY. 

I see other moms post about how their 1 day old sleeps all the time and they have to wake them to feed. 

Others post about how their kid helps do chores and loves them! 

Social media kills me sometimes. 

I've got to stop comparing my kids to other people's kids. Yeah, some of them are a hell of a whole lot calmer than Lillian- but she's also so creative and strong willed. She's bossy- and although that's not a super great quality- it'll probably get her really far one day. 

Violet is an extremely fussy baby. When others hold her she screams- lets just say you HAVE to work to get her approval. She's also one of the most alert babies I've been around at this age. She smiles at faces and knows voices and is really starting to "coo" and talk. 

Im so grateful for these kids. These annoyingly, loud, demanding, difficult, bright and beautiful babies. 

Next time I catch myself saying, "why the hell did God give me two difficult children, both with colic?!" Ill slap myself and remind myself that there's a reason. They are strong babies. My fiercely strong babies. Clearly I was meant to handle them and show them how to use their strength. 

There's always going to be low points in life, and maybe with some sleep soon they'll be better and easier to handle. Until then I'll be downing coffee and living off of 4 hours of broken sleep, hoping my caffeine intake isn't too strong for my baby to handle.