In this season of motherhood:

In the season of motherhood: 

 

It's currently 10:45 pm on a weds day night. I probably won't post this tonight or tomorrow, or for a good week or two. Brandons been working the night shift all week which has resulted in bedtimes/baths/dinners all on me. (Or Ive been dragging and setting up camp at my parents for multiple hours during the evening to save my sanity. 

as I sit here at the edge of my bed, with one swaddled baby dozing halfway to sleep (after two hours of non-stop crying) and Lillian in my bed trying to go to sleep- fighting it. (Trying to cut her some slack- her sister is screamin.) I can't help but almost cry. 

Happy tears and tears of frustration. 

I'm so grateful for my beautiful girls, but they are completely wild.

If you ask anyone- Lillian's been a handful since I got pregnant with her. Violet- not so much but she's got to be one of the neediest/fussiest baby ever. Even more so than Lilly was. And that's saying something. 

we've got two weeks left of school and can i just say I'm so ready for it to be over. Lilly used to love it but has grown to hate it and her teacher. She gets in trouble a lot and well, her teacher is kinda a bitch. (I was a teacher, and I understand kids.. But seriously my mama gut tells me her teacher doesn't care for her.) 

Everyday it's something about how she "just can't sit still or listen." 

I know this. We've been struggling so badly since I got pregnant and it's gotten way worse now that we've had V. So bad. It's out of control the amount of times I have to tell her to do something or her attitude. Subconsciously, I think it's her way of getting attention since Violet is such a fussy, needy baby that requires our care 24/7. 

We try to balance things out. We really do. I'm struggling. 

In this season of motherhood I'm struggling between parenting my 5 year old and just cutting her a break. I'm struggling to punish her and to give her extra attention. I'm struggling with patience, forgiveness and do-overs. Because at the end of the night, some days I just want a do over. I could've loved her more. I could've tried harder. 

I'm struggling with my almost 6 week old baby who suffers from terrible reflux and awful tummy issues. I'm up late at night googling while she chokes on my oversupply of milk. *ways to get rid of overactive letdown supply issues/acid reflux/colic/the medications she's on/eliminating dairy and all good foods from my diet* everything you can think of - I've googled. I've cried bc after she eats sometimes she's in so much pain. I get confused because other times she's totally fine. I'm trying so hard. 

I caved and bought some formula on a really low day. She was screaming all night and that morning i was ready to throw in the towel. I can't have cheese and shss still miserable- fuck it. She refused that and the bottle. SO, that was a momentary lapse of insanity and giving up, but we're good now. (Well in the sense of breastfeeding.) 

In this season of motherhood I'm going one day and one hour at a time. I'm making it. Some days are better than others and I think, "Wow. This two kid thing isn't so hard." And then nights like tonight when I'm alone with two kids completely melting down and I've leaked through my last fucking clean bra, the baby spits up in my hair and down my back literally into my underwear, I barely have my shit together. 

All I can do is swaddle my screaming baby and kiss the top of her head. (Which still smells devine) and all I can do is hug my oldest and tell her I love her so much and that I'm sorry. And tell her that mommy is really trying.  

In this season of motherhood, I'm really struggling, but I know someday I'm going to miss the smells, the loud, the frantic and the bad. 

 

***None of this probably makes sense bc it's now the next day. Violet literally threw up clear acid this morning. Lillian got in trouble AGAIN at school & I took baby V to the dr.. With no help or change. No answers. Just, "it'll get better in a couple of months. She'll outgrow it. She's gaining fine. She's already on medicine and it doesn't need to be changed." Acid reflux really fucking sucks. 

I love my babies so much. Even through the storms. Even in this incredibly hard season of motherhood.