In this season of motherhood..

I have a lot to say and don't really know how to put it into words.
I also have laundry piled all around me on the couch and I have no intention of putting it up. I also think I'm sitting on Cheerios.

My kitchen is still a wreck from last nights dinner. Is there really a point to ever clean it? Cook, eat, clean. Now that Violet eats little bits of food, I have to add cleaning the highchair to my list. It's constant. I love cleaning, but man, it's even getting too much for me. Crumbs pile up at least 5 times a day, even after I sweep there is still shit stuck to the bottom of my feet. Maybe I'll just start wearing shoes around the house so I don't feel how filthy my floors are. Idk.

I feel like Christmas break wasn't even a break. We went and went and went and did and did and did...it was constant. No break at all. I'm tired and need a break from the break. We almost all got the stomach bug during it..which is no fun. Like, a stomach bug for Christmas- seriously? Just when I thought I was in the clear, I got it. Thankfully, and knocking on all the wood that V doesn't get it. Its been a few days so who knows.

I'm so stupid tired lately that I don't even know why I'm walking around the house with toilet paper in my hand. Like, I think I was going to put it on the roll..but I just carried it around for about 20 minutes. Violet hasn't been sleeping well, like eating and up every hour..it's insane. I just lay there and am sucked dry all through the night. She's the true epitome of a bobbie monster.

The day back to school I took Violet do the doctor, and just as I suspected ears. AGAIN. I'm so tired of ear infections. I know looking back that Lillian had them too and outgrew them...hoping its the same with Violet. Either way, her little tummy can't handle antibiotics well- so we thought it'd be best to do rocephin shots again..3 times..3 days..I take her to the doctor and she gets a shot. Today is thankfully the last day. If we get another ear infection, its the the ENT we go.

I'm tired of doctors offices. SO TIRED. Speaking of, Lillian goes to her first appointment Thursday for some therapy. (It's for adhd and that's all I really want to say on that matter. Poor baby has had a hard couple of weeks with focusing and I'm choosing this route before medication.)

I've been watching Gilmore girls, and I'm finally getting into it. Violet dances to the opening song constantly, so of course I had to download it. It's her jam and she calms down most the time in the car to it. (Yes, she still screams in the car.)

Lately I've been catching myself wondering why everything seems to be just so hard with my life. Don't get me wrong, I have a beautiful life. I feel like my children are just so needy. Violet literally follows me around the house crying if I'm not holding her. My arm hurts from holding her all the time. What do I do? Do I let her cry it out? Is it because of her ears? Why is she nursing so much? I feel like I'm just constantly going and going..I never get to just sit. Thats life. Lillian has been extremely difficult too lately. Wild, as usual. But a little more difficult, being needy and just all around crazy. Attitude like you wouldn't believe, and I feel like grounding doesn't work. And neither does spanking. Or timeout. And that's why we're going to therapy...it's her adhd I've been reading....I don't know. I feel like I'm drowning and I know nothing. Nothing about anything. Just that my kids are extremely difficult and if I don't get a break soon I'm going to crack and pull a Britney and shave my head.

Ah motherhood, no one ever thinks that when you're pregnant and that little baby comes out that you will always have ups and downs..highs and lows...crying and laughing...I wouldn't trade it for the world. But I'm tired. Man, so tired.

This is was completely long and stupid. I still have laundry around me and I've debated on even clicking publish on this for about an hour...

9 months of Violet Wren

Oh my goodness. How are we here! 9 months already and I'm just not ready. I can't believe it. You're almost 1. This isn't fair. I hate time. I hate it so much. I feel like the days are sometimes so long but the months fly by. You are 19lbs, 26 inches long and 60% in every way.


Christmas is done, and I have a whole blog post that I'm working on for later.
(so that means like July I'll finish it.)

- I'm sitting here in bed. You're next to me, asleep (finally) and have to be touching some part of my body or else you'll wake up. It's so frustrating sometimes, but I honestly love it and I know it won't be forever.

You've still got 0 teeth. NONE. Like, is this normal? Where are they? What's going on...Lillian was already cutting her two front ones around this time..

You've started here lately eating finger foods..like bits of toast, waffles are you favorite, Mac and cheese bits, and pretty much anything I can tear up and throw at you..

You still can't use a sippy cup or bottle..you chew on it, or hold it upside down and look at me like I'm insane. You also still nurse during the day every 2 hours. At night it depends..some nights it's constant, and some it's like every 3/4.

GUESS WHAT. You can crawl! One day, we were just sitting in the living room and I decided to move the coffee table and sit on the floor with you. As soon as I did that- BAM. You were crawling. And FAST TOO. It's like the coffee table was hindering you from moving. Weird. Anyway, you're so fast and you can find me in the hallway.. in the bathroom...in the kitchen...everywhere. Nothing is safe. Cords are your favorite..NOT COOL. and you put everything in your damn mouth. You choked on some Christmas tinsel the other day and it was freaking scary...so now I vacuum everyday and basically can't let you out of my sight. I guess at least thanks for waiting 9 months...it also doesn't help that Lilly got like 934503945904 littlest pet shop things and accessories that are perfect for you to choke on.

BLAH.

You officially say dada and daddy..which is complete bullshit since you're only attached to me. But I'm sure its because most babies say it. It's easier...I'm not holding it against you...yet...

You clap, say yay, say hi and wave..(that was last month too but I'm too lazy to see if I wrote that down. I forget a lot of things..)

You can totally pull up and have been for a while now. Still no interest in walking or using your walker..your sister loved it and was taking steps around this time...but I think you're totally happy crawling around. (you beat Lilly at crawling!) You're hair sticks up unless it's dirty and I need to wash it..your bangs come to a little point in the middle of your forehead and it's the cutest thing ever. You give kisses still and they are open and wet and the best kisses ever.

You let Lilly walk around and hold you, but get super mad and scream and hit her a lot when you want your space. I'm curious to see how that's all going to play out in the years to come.

You're still attached to me to where it's unreal and people can't really hold you. Especially if I'm in view. You're obsessed with animals just like your sister before you..and try to follow them. Lula now knows that you drop food at your highchair just for her and sits there patiently.

You've got the best eyes and the cutest smile. When I make you laugh extremely hard you snort...it's the best thing ever. I posted a video on fb of it..maybe if I ever find time I'll make you a video...sorry I stopped those. Mama has no time.

I love you so much Violet. You make my whole day hard, fun, sweet and just perfect. You've literally changed our lives and it's so fun and beautiful with you in it.Thanks for choosing us baby girl.


Here's Lillys 9 month in comparison!

In this season of motherhood:

In the season of motherhood: 

 

It's currently 10:45 pm on a weds day night. I probably won't post this tonight or tomorrow, or for a good week or two. Brandons been working the night shift all week which has resulted in bedtimes/baths/dinners all on me. (Or Ive been dragging and setting up camp at my parents for multiple hours during the evening to save my sanity. 

as I sit here at the edge of my bed, with one swaddled baby dozing halfway to sleep (after two hours of non-stop crying) and Lillian in my bed trying to go to sleep- fighting it. (Trying to cut her some slack- her sister is screamin.) I can't help but almost cry. 

Happy tears and tears of frustration. 

I'm so grateful for my beautiful girls, but they are completely wild.

If you ask anyone- Lillian's been a handful since I got pregnant with her. Violet- not so much but she's got to be one of the neediest/fussiest baby ever. Even more so than Lilly was. And that's saying something. 

we've got two weeks left of school and can i just say I'm so ready for it to be over. Lilly used to love it but has grown to hate it and her teacher. She gets in trouble a lot and well, her teacher is kinda a bitch. (I was a teacher, and I understand kids.. But seriously my mama gut tells me her teacher doesn't care for her.) 

Everyday it's something about how she "just can't sit still or listen." 

I know this. We've been struggling so badly since I got pregnant and it's gotten way worse now that we've had V. So bad. It's out of control the amount of times I have to tell her to do something or her attitude. Subconsciously, I think it's her way of getting attention since Violet is such a fussy, needy baby that requires our care 24/7. 

We try to balance things out. We really do. I'm struggling. 

In this season of motherhood I'm struggling between parenting my 5 year old and just cutting her a break. I'm struggling to punish her and to give her extra attention. I'm struggling with patience, forgiveness and do-overs. Because at the end of the night, some days I just want a do over. I could've loved her more. I could've tried harder. 

I'm struggling with my almost 6 week old baby who suffers from terrible reflux and awful tummy issues. I'm up late at night googling while she chokes on my oversupply of milk. *ways to get rid of overactive letdown supply issues/acid reflux/colic/the medications she's on/eliminating dairy and all good foods from my diet* everything you can think of - I've googled. I've cried bc after she eats sometimes she's in so much pain. I get confused because other times she's totally fine. I'm trying so hard. 

I caved and bought some formula on a really low day. She was screaming all night and that morning i was ready to throw in the towel. I can't have cheese and shss still miserable- fuck it. She refused that and the bottle. SO, that was a momentary lapse of insanity and giving up, but we're good now. (Well in the sense of breastfeeding.) 

In this season of motherhood I'm going one day and one hour at a time. I'm making it. Some days are better than others and I think, "Wow. This two kid thing isn't so hard." And then nights like tonight when I'm alone with two kids completely melting down and I've leaked through my last fucking clean bra, the baby spits up in my hair and down my back literally into my underwear, I barely have my shit together. 

All I can do is swaddle my screaming baby and kiss the top of her head. (Which still smells devine) and all I can do is hug my oldest and tell her I love her so much and that I'm sorry. And tell her that mommy is really trying.  

In this season of motherhood, I'm really struggling, but I know someday I'm going to miss the smells, the loud, the frantic and the bad. 

 

***None of this probably makes sense bc it's now the next day. Violet literally threw up clear acid this morning. Lillian got in trouble AGAIN at school & I took baby V to the dr.. With no help or change. No answers. Just, "it'll get better in a couple of months. She'll outgrow it. She's gaining fine. She's already on medicine and it doesn't need to be changed." Acid reflux really fucking sucks. 

I love my babies so much. Even through the storms. Even in this incredibly hard season of motherhood. 

One month!

Wrenny-roo! You're a month old! You've just started really, really recognizing us and cooing! I love your little squeals. You try so hard, but usually get frustrated after a while of laying there trying to communicate. You've also just discovered your limbs are attached to your body, and love when I play with your legs and feet. You also enjoy smacking yourself in the face with your hands. 

How in the hell has it already been one month? I feel like the past 4 weeks have flown by. Like you've been in this family forever. You're our new normal, and as hard as it is at times, we love it and you.

You, little one are a fussy baby. You fuss in your sleep. You fuss when you're awake and you fuss when you're even being held. Not screaming fussy- just "bitchy" fussy. It's the funniest thing. You'll sit there and yammer on even when you're happy. You've just constantly got something to say. You even grunt in your sleep, which keeps me up. 

You nurse like a champ and are trying as hard as you can to handle my over supply & letdown. We still have some tummy issues but I'm hoping with age and time- they'll dissolve. 

You have at least 1-2 explosive poops a day, usually mornings only. Most of the time they result in a sink bath. 

*funny story, I was making your sisters lunch and having to bathe you in the sink while I watched her noodles boil* 

You love your carseat and to be moving in the car. As soon as it stops (school pick ups) is when you lose it.

You enjoy being swaddled only for bedtime or nap time. The rest of the day you doze on and off without the burrito wrap. 

You of course never nap when its conveinant for me. Like when your sister naps for two hours and you choose that time of day to scream bloody murder. Or when she's at school.. So never can I ever really nap. She's up when your down and well you get it. Ah- life with two kids. (I'm actually typing this while she's asleep and you stare at me with your big (blue/brown we don't know yet) eyes.

I can tell you're gaining weight like a pro. You're boobies are filling out nicely as is the rest of your lumps and rolls. I can't wait for you to get even bigger and fatter. You seriously live on my boob so I mean, I'd be concerned if you weren't gaining.

YOU ARE THE MOST IMPOSSIBLE BABY TO BURP. Ever. It takes us 30 minutes after a feed or never. (That's usually when you projectile vomit on me, or your sisters face.) 

 Despite all of the gas, vomit & lack of sleep, we're so happy you're here. We love you and your expressions. I love the smell of your baby head that I kiss a zillion times a day. I love that you love baths and can be only conforted by me. I love that after you nurse, you have he drunkest look of happiness on your face. Milk literally rolls down into your neck rolls. I love to watch your hands when you nurse because you pray. It's the sweetest thing. I also love to watch your feet and toes because you get so into eating that they move and wiggle.

Likes:

Mommy

Mommy

Boobies

Eating

(sometimes your sassy)

car and the carseat

being held 24/7

boba wrap

Dislikes:

mamaroo -_-

bouncer

everyone else

spitting up

putting clothes on

everything else

I love our nights of you nursing and looking at me. I keep the salt lamp on and that yellowish/orange light will forever hold memories of warm thoughts & us time. 

We love you little bee. 

Xoxo

The day before.

The day before we met you. (I've got a birth story and introduction post coming sometime soon I promise, but things do need to go in order!) 

The day before we met you Lillian and I woke up from her nap and I decided to take some pictures of you in my belly with her. Just on our bed. Grainy. Dirty hair and all.  

Little did I know that night after we had dinner and I chalked with her outside- we'd go to bed & I'd go into labor. Little did she know she'd be a big sister that next day. I'd be a mama of two. These are our last documented pictures of just me and my dove literal hours before our lives changed; and for these spontaneous iPhone grainy photos- I am forever greatful. I will forever cherish. 

You made me a mama first Lillian Rose, you made me strong and taught me love is so fierce and overwhelming. Forever my baby you'll be.