You know that moment when you realize you haven't showered in two days..and there is mashed banana in your hair? Yeah that was me about an hour ago.
Last week we all got beat down with some type of virus that has since left us tired & so snotty. Baby is taking it the hardest, so it's been non-stop nursing around the clock night and day. And crying. So much crying. So much snot.
*i need to add that I've had thrush on my boobs for a week, and I'm having to get another dose of meds to clear it.. so let's just add incredibly painful boobies to a baby that refuses a bottle- and wants to nurse for comfort every hour to this mix. Yeah. I want to rip my boobs off. Like, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Ever. And that is the story about my boobs, sorry dad if you're reading this*
Anyway, back to the point.
I bathed my beautiful, fussy, incredibly tired children at 630. You guys, early bedtime tonight because it's been one of THOSE Mondays.
Let's just say they are lucky I even fed them and bathed them.
Or remember their names.
I made brandon get them out and then I climbed in. How amazing and nourishing is my hair gunna feel after this banana soak? Prob lavish. I was so embarrassed today at the school pick up.. I didn't realize I had paint all over me (I had the bright idea to paint the entire house the last two weeks i am like so stupid) and one glance in my car window and I was shocked. Yikes.
So, anyway. I got a 10 min bath alone today you guys, and that is pretty much what this blog post is about.
10 months. I can't believe you're almost a year! 10 months I have held you, rocked you, nursed you and loved you. Your little life is going by so fast and I can't believe it. I feel like I just blinked and you crawl, eat food (sometimes) and are cruising around on the furniture.
It's all actually depressing. While I'm so happy you've mastered these things, my mommy heart breaks because I know how fast time moves.
My sweet baby. You are the most clingy, cuddliest thing. You still nurse all the time.. and are still weird about some food. No baby food here. Never even liked it. You enjoy cucumbers, cheerios, cheetos, any bit of food we give you. You can shove an entire animal cookie in your mouth and it be gone in like 5 seconds flat.
You still have ZERO teeth. Which I find odd.. but I love that you still have that beautiful gummy smile.
You smile on que- and have for a while. It's the best, head titled up, scrunchy nosed smile ever. You've even added some weird eye blinking to it and it just makes it the most perfect smile.
You're new words this past month are, "baba, hot, and what" you say hot for everything you know you're not supposed to touch but touch anyway. (Like our little fireplace, or my phone, or coffee, or the dishwasher. )
You have the silliest personality and will give kisses anytime. It's the best. Your kisses are so open mouthed and slobbery and delish.
Just last night (so you're like 10 months and 3 days) you sipped a little bit of water from a bottle! (Thank you to my mom!!)
We will see how that all goes. It was probably a fluke but maybe you'll drink something else and I can leave you longer than an hour or two?
You're a pain when we go places. You don't like to ride in a cart, you want to be held or get down to crawl and get mad bc well you can't crawl the isles of the store girl.
You hate the car still. We even switched your car seat to a big girl one. You still hate it. Maybe one day I can drive without you screaming.
Your sister is your most favorite thing. You get so happy when she's home and follow her all around the house, destroying all of her littlest pet shop set ups and shoving every damn thing in your mouth.
You DO NOT like when Lillian tries to pick you up or get in your face with love- you hit her and push her away as you scream and kick her. Sisterly love.
You absolutely love Doo, and will go to home and not leave his arms for anything or anyone! Including me! He loves it and so do we.
You've battled ear infections still- but I am trying my best to wait it out and one of those times it actually went away with the help of garlic mullen ear oil. Hoping they stay gone.
You never sleep. Like never. Your naps are only a few minutes here and there.. the only time you will actually stay asleep is if I'm laying with you and you can nurse or feel me and rub my arm.
You pinch and rub any part of my skin to go to sleep.. it's the cutest, yet most annoying and painful thing ever. But I know you won't do it forever.. so I'm pushing through the pain.
Your hair is growing nicely, and is the exact same color of Lilly's now. It's weird how she started out with red hair, you with black and now they are the exact same shade of brown.
We love you baby. I'm hoping I didn't forget a single thing. (But all I do is forget lately. You've completely turned my brain into mush!)
You're the bestest baby and we love you Wrenny roo hoo.
Here is a video of little naps I saved from January.
Here I stand, swaying back and forth at 9:44 pm. I'm typing this with one hand on my phone, while you, Violet Wren are in my arms.
They are tired, my arms. We've all been fighting a cold this week and it's really kicking my ass. Between two snotty, grumpy kids, me being snotty, life in general and an amazing case of thrush.. id day this Tuesday has got to be one of the hardest Tuesday's I've had in a while.
I feel like the entire month of December/January have just completely sucked. (Minus Christmas.)
I feel like it's been constant sickness (no matter how many probiotics, vitamins, disinfectants I shove.) and I'm just over it.
I'm just tired. I'm so tired.
Today as a mommy I failed.
I wasn't patient while Lillian read aloud her book. I wasn't patient when I tried to help her brush her teeth. Or when she wouldn't sit still during dinner. She's five. You're only five. I keep forgetting, because you're such a big girl to mommy. I need to remember that you're still a baby..
I wasn't patient with the baby 800 times I tried to put her down for a nap. All you did today was cry. Whine. Want to be held. Nurse. You don't feel good and I understand. You constantly climb on things, and get hurt almost always now that you're almost walking. It's exhausting. You're sick. I'm trying.
Today I was a shitty mom. I'm sorry.
Tomorrow I will try hard.
I'm just tired.
but it's not an excuse.
I'm sorry. Tomorrow I'll try harder.
*now 10:03 pm, you (Violet) just fell asleep, but I'm still swaying and walking with you. I know as soon as we lay down you'll cry- probably because of the cold & it making your ears hurt.
It's either wait and sway a little bit longer (while my arms shake from the weight) or you cry. And I'm choosing to sway.
I've been trying so hard to soak up every day as if it's my last. I smell both of your heads over a dozen times a day and try to kiss or touch you when I get the chance. I know these days are fleeting and it makes me so sad that y'all have already grown so much.
I'm trying to remember the way both of your voices sound. When you laugh. When you cry. When you scream. I'm afraid I'm going to forget. I forget a lot of things these days.
(Ex: Like going through a drive-thru, paying, and then driving off not even grabbing my food.)
I have a lot to say and don't really know how to put it into words.
I also have laundry piled all around me on the couch and I have no intention of putting it up. I also think I'm sitting on Cheerios.
My kitchen is still a wreck from last nights dinner. Is there really a point to ever clean it? Cook, eat, clean. Now that Violet eats little bits of food, I have to add cleaning the highchair to my list. It's constant. I love cleaning, but man, it's even getting too much for me. Crumbs pile up at least 5 times a day, even after I sweep there is still shit stuck to the bottom of my feet. Maybe I'll just start wearing shoes around the house so I don't feel how filthy my floors are. Idk.
I feel like Christmas break wasn't even a break. We went and went and went and did and did and did...it was constant. No break at all. I'm tired and need a break from the break. We almost all got the stomach bug during it..which is no fun. Like, a stomach bug for Christmas- seriously? Just when I thought I was in the clear, I got it. Thankfully, and knocking on all the wood that V doesn't get it. Its been a few days so who knows.
I'm so stupid tired lately that I don't even know why I'm walking around the house with toilet paper in my hand. Like, I think I was going to put it on the roll..but I just carried it around for about 20 minutes. Violet hasn't been sleeping well, like eating and up every hour..it's insane. I just lay there and am sucked dry all through the night. She's the true epitome of a bobbie monster.
The day back to school I took Violet do the doctor, and just as I suspected ears. AGAIN. I'm so tired of ear infections. I know looking back that Lillian had them too and outgrew them...hoping its the same with Violet. Either way, her little tummy can't handle antibiotics well- so we thought it'd be best to do rocephin shots again..3 times..3 days..I take her to the doctor and she gets a shot. Today is thankfully the last day. If we get another ear infection, its the the ENT we go.
I'm tired of doctors offices. SO TIRED. Speaking of, Lillian goes to her first appointment Thursday for some therapy. (It's for adhd and that's all I really want to say on that matter. Poor baby has had a hard couple of weeks with focusing and I'm choosing this route before medication.)
I've been watching Gilmore girls, and I'm finally getting into it. Violet dances to the opening song constantly, so of course I had to download it. It's her jam and she calms down most the time in the car to it. (Yes, she still screams in the car.)
Lately I've been catching myself wondering why everything seems to be just so hard with my life. Don't get me wrong, I have a beautiful life. I feel like my children are just so needy. Violet literally follows me around the house crying if I'm not holding her. My arm hurts from holding her all the time. What do I do? Do I let her cry it out? Is it because of her ears? Why is she nursing so much? I feel like I'm just constantly going and going..I never get to just sit. Thats life. Lillian has been extremely difficult too lately. Wild, as usual. But a little more difficult, being needy and just all around crazy. Attitude like you wouldn't believe, and I feel like grounding doesn't work. And neither does spanking. Or timeout. And that's why we're going to therapy...it's her adhd I've been reading....I don't know. I feel like I'm drowning and I know nothing. Nothing about anything. Just that my kids are extremely difficult and if I don't get a break soon I'm going to crack and pull a Britney and shave my head.
Ah motherhood, no one ever thinks that when you're pregnant and that little baby comes out that you will always have ups and downs..highs and lows...crying and laughing...I wouldn't trade it for the world. But I'm tired. Man, so tired.
This is was completely long and stupid. I still have laundry around me and I've debated on even clicking publish on this for about an hour...
