Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Here I stand, swaying back and forth at 9:44 pm. I'm typing this with one hand on my phone, while you, Violet Wren are in my arms. 

They are tired, my arms. We've all been fighting a cold this week and it's really kicking my ass. Between two snotty, grumpy kids, me being snotty, life in general and an amazing case of thrush.. id day this Tuesday has got to be one of the hardest Tuesday's I've had in a while. 

I feel like the entire month of December/January have just completely sucked. (Minus Christmas.) 

I feel like it's been constant sickness (no matter how many probiotics, vitamins, disinfectants I shove.) and I'm just over it. 

I'm just tired. I'm so tired. 

Today as a mommy I failed. 

I wasn't patient while Lillian read aloud her book. I wasn't patient when I tried to help her brush her teeth. Or when she wouldn't sit still during dinner. She's five. You're only five. I keep forgetting, because you're such a big girl to mommy. I need to remember that you're still a baby..

I wasn't patient with the baby 800 times I tried to put her down for a nap. All you did today was cry. Whine. Want to be held. Nurse. You don't feel good and I understand. You constantly climb on things, and get hurt almost always now that you're almost walking. It's exhausting. You're sick. I'm trying. 

Today I was a shitty mom. I'm sorry. 

Tomorrow I will try hard. 

I'm just tired. 

but it's not an excuse. 

I'm sorry. Tomorrow I'll try harder. 

*now 10:03 pm, you (Violet)  just fell asleep, but I'm still swaying and walking with you. I know as soon as we lay down you'll cry- probably because of the cold & it making your ears hurt. 

It's either wait and sway a little bit longer (while my arms shake from the weight) or you cry. And I'm choosing to sway. 

I've been trying so hard to soak up every day as if it's my last. I smell both of your heads over a dozen times a day and try to kiss or touch you when I get the chance. I know these days are fleeting and it makes me so sad that y'all have already grown so much. 

I'm trying to remember the way both of your voices sound. When you laugh. When you cry. When you scream. I'm afraid I'm going to forget. I forget a lot of things these days. 

(Ex: Like going through a drive-thru, paying, and then driving off not even grabbing my food.) 

I'm tired. I'm so so tired.

Today I was a shitty mom. 

Tomorrow I will do better. 

I love you both so much. 

Xoxo. 

 

These photos were taken today at 2:59 pm. 

Lillian Rose, age 5. 

Violet Wren, 9 months.