Today is Monday. Today has been such a Monday that I want to cry.
The day started off with Violet waking up at 5:50 am. Yes. We have to get up for school- but I normally wake Lilly around 6:45, and Violet around 7:20 before we head out.. needless to say getting Lillian ready this morning with a fussy baby on my hip was no easy task.
She screams in the car the whole time home, finally falling asleep. She does that now. Screams in the car. All the time. No matter what. It's mentally fucking exhausting.
**Anyway, we had the bright idea this weekend to redo the kitchen. If you are ever thinking about doing that... don't. Finally- after 8 million coats to cover up the red cherry stain my mom did years ago (god bless her I want to kill her bc it was so hard...) our kitchen is fresh white. BUT. We still have to do all the cabinet doors.. so my kitchen looks like a huge clusterfuck missing things, draws, doors to the cabinets. There is paint and tools on the kitchen table and well.. I'm about to kill myself if I have to look at it one more time. 😩
(I'm not ungrateful, I'm exhausted of not having a functioning kitchen.)**
SO. I attempt to finish some painting/do dishes but of course Violet can't nap for longer than 5 minutes.. so breakfast with her on my hip and coffee. I just can't comprehend why my children are so needy compared to other people's kids. Like, what did we do? They are brilliant and funny and alert and creative.. but so needy. So clingy. Lillian has gotten better.. and Violet is a baby I get it. But like, she will not sleep without me lying next to her or holding her (my fault I know) so I've been trying to break that resulting in her not napping and crying all the time. I'm sure I can go back and find posts about the same shit with Lilly.
I don't want to hear CIO methods because we don't roll that way. I chose to have my baby and stay home- I just need some of my sanity back.
I need a good wine. I hate wine but I want to drink it sooooo bad I just don't like it. I want to like wine.
Lillian refuses to eat in the cafeteria ever so I've been packing a lunch everyday. Like, I used to love cafeteria food and all that bullshit about people saying it's gross- whatever. It's so good. My kid is disappointing me and I just wish she would go a day or two without a packed lunch.
Today I cleaned the toilet, looked up in the mirror .. and while I realized that my hair was super greasy from the stupid olive oil treatment I did the night before it dawned on me that I'm losing myself again in motherhood. It's happened before and will happen again I'm sure. I cried. I plucked my eyebrows. Violet cried and I shook it off and nursed her.
She looks up at me and smiles now while still latched and it's like the cutest thing on earth. It's worth it. Her clingyness is so physically and mentally exhausting. BUT. she won't let me hold her forever or look up at me and smile while nursing soon. Soon she'll be Just like Lillian, she'll grow up and be completely independent.
This post made no sense and has no flow. It's scattered and random. I don't even care. I'm so sleepy..
1. My baby is fussy and clingy
2. Lillian has been pretty good lately
3. I'm so tired that I can't even stand up to shower
4. My kitchen stresses me out
5. I just typed this all on my phone in like 0 minutes.
The end.
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