Feeling guilty.

Having a baby in tow for summer is sort of a difficult task. She can't ever get too hot, too cold, and we haven't attempted a pool dip yet. The summers past we've always spent days and hours out at the pool- but now we can't. I'm really trying to balance life with a 5 year old and almost 3 month old. The days feel longer and most of the time I feel like I'm failing.

 

There are some parenting days where I feel like I've conquered the world, like today. I mopped, vacuumed, baked a chicken, did four loads of laundry AND fed my children breakfast, lunch and boobie (like 4 times) all before Brandon got home at 2. I even squeezed in time to rearranged my bookshelfs. Today was a good day. The baby hardly fussed..

Now yesterday. Yesterday I wanted to CRY. Violet woke up screaming, which she never does. She's usually pretty happy in the mornings..she cried all day. I'm not exaggerating. ALL DAY LONG. I swore she had an ear infection (Lilly acted the same way when she was a baby and had one) but no. Dr cleared her ears and said it could be her reflux having a flare up or "just colic." She's hs a bit of colic but nothing that's constantly the same everyday. She's just fussy and high needs like her sister. But this day was so bad. I got nothing done. Lilly threw a couple of fits here and there but was thankfully at Brandons mom playing in the pool for the afternoon.. So that was a small break.

I've just been feeling so guilty lately. Sometimes Lillian will cry about how we can't do things because of the baby, or how she has to be quiet when she's sleeping. She's an amazing big sister and has hardly shown any signs of jealousy, but every now and again she'll look at me and say how she wished she was a baby again so I could hold her all the time. It physically breaks my heart. I try to hold her and love on her as much as I can- but she really won't let me. She's busy and wants to go go go and constantly  and play. My guilt takes over at times like these. I miss our days of just us two singing in the car and playing funny dance games.. 

But, then my mama heart starts to feel guilty that those thoughts even cross my mind. I love Violet. I love every little thing about her. She's seriously the lees ect addition to lie family and I can't imagine her not in our lives. I love her so much. Like, How she moves her toes when she nurses. Or how she wakes up from every nap smiling when she hears my voice. She loves me. She's glued to me. It's hard and exhausting but I honestly love it. Her smell. Her little baby mouth. And revelry, (like the past week a few adorable little laughs!) She's such an alert and Aware baby...my guilt comes into play that she won't ever get that alone time with me like Lillian had. She had 5 years! Poor Violet is always slung over my arm or hip while I attempt life.. 

Sometimes I feel guilty if I'm showing them each enough attention and love. Honesty I've been struggling and trying so hard to keep them both happy that poor Brandons been on the back burner. We haven't gotten to sit around and just lounge on the couch together since, well, forever. I don't even remember the last time I was alone.

But this is all worth it. It's beautiful and it's our life. I've waited forever to have a family and it's seriously so beautiful and I'm so humbly grateful. 

Sometimes I just need to vent and let go of that guilt. I'm trying. 

I just wish there was enough of me to go around. I hope they look back at and say they had a beautiful childhood. I want them to know their mama tried so damn hard.

As for now, I'll chug my coffee and eat my lunch standing up with one hand, just like it's meant to be.