Finding myself again.

Lately, things haven't been going so smoothly here at the household, and I'm not afraid to talk about this because I know a lot of people deal and have dealt with the same thing.

I miss myself.
I miss being the nerdy, happy-go-lucky girl that would paint, play video games and read in her spare time. The one that would enjoy walking around places and jumping and singing around. The one that would tell jokes constantly and enjoyed going to school. (college that is, never high school. never.) I miss writing and taking pictures. I still do that, here in the little blog, but it's not like I used to write for the newspaper or just write to write in general. Or xanga. Ah, xanga.

Anyway, I miss my husband. I miss how we used to be and how we used to just drive around in the car listening to music. We'd go out to eat, and we'd just play all day long. It was probably the most magical time in my life. Probably the happiest too, except when I was a child of course. But honestly what can beat out a childhood of running around the block on your scooter and drinking kool-aid? Nothing.
Ah. To be young.

I absolutely love my little dove. Love her so much. I never though I could love something so much in my entire life. I never knew I would have such a bond with such a little tiny being.
But who am I now besides Lilly mommy? I love being a mommy, I've wanted to be one since I was little, with baby dolls and my barbies. I love it. It's my dream job and I've got it.

I guess the entirety of this post is that I miss doing things I used to do pre-mommy. Painting, reading, writing, etc. I miss it and I need to find myself again.
Instead of taking a nap when Lilly does or doing the dishes and laundry, I'm going to try to read a book, paint my nails and possibly start painting things for Lillian's. I'm also going to pick up crocheting. Because let's face it, I can't freaking knit worth crap. Or sew. I'm physically incapable or doing stuff like that, but damnit I am going to try my best to make a hat. Not just a rectangle.

And that's all I have for this post.
I need help finding myself again.
I'm really going to try.

xoxo

25 facts now & then.

I found my "25 facts" on my facebook yesterday, and it made me giggle because some of the things have changed and some haven't changed a bit. This was written in 2009, so excuse the language (I was a crazy.)

• 1.) i have a shopping obsession. not a clothing one, but a walmart and any grocery store one. i must buy something each time i go, or else it puts me in a terrible mood. air fresheners are bought on almost a day to day basis.
  ** this is still true. I buy things on a daily basis, or try to, and its cleaners, baby toys, sippy cups and baby food that i'm obsessed with now, along with the air fresheners. 

  
  2.) i'm obsessed with cooking and making people food. i've gained weight since i've found this new obsession.
  **Still true. Except for having a baby has dulled my cooking abilities and skills and is now left to the husband, who is a chef. And Yes, I'm still fat. 

  
  3.) i'm extremely insecure in my looks and body. i feel that i'm the fattest, grossest, ugliest thing ever created. don't try to disagree with me, i'll still think that way.
  **Yupp.

  
  

  4.) i'm insecure as shit.

  **Still, yes.

  
  5.) i hate most people, i wouldn't say i'm judgmental, i'm just a bitch.

  **LOL at that. And yes, it's still true. I've become more understanding but I still like animals better than people. 
  
  6.) i don't have girlfriends. i never really have. the ones i've tried to be friends with usually back-stab and screw me over in some form or way, so there is really no point in their petty bitching. i'm terrible at talking "girl" and can't seem to get into the whole "oh my god" thing down. surprisingly i'm not a dyke. i just prefer dude friends and video games.
  **I don't have time to play video games anymore, and I also still don't have girlfriends really. I have 3 that I call close friends, which is way more than I had when I originally wrote this post. Yay for mommy friends.
  
  
  7.) i'm emotional. i cry at least twice a day, most of the time for no reason at all. i'm just a baby. it makes me feel better and then i usually nap after.
  **God that still happens a lot, and probably more now that my hormones were jacked with- I just can't nap afterward. 
  
  
  8.) i give rough love, and to further explain this, i punch, bite, and pinch on brandon instead of kissing and hugging. he has learned to love me and the abuse.
  **I still do this with Brando, and kind of with Lillian, but easier of course. I don't pinch her and such. But I love slobbering and giving her tons and tons of kissing until she gets mad.
  
  
  9.) i love my family more than anything. even though they irritate me and i can't stand to be with them for more than about a day tops, they are my everything and i love every single one of them. i'm also very protective of them, and will kill someone if they say anything negative about them.
  **I've come to love them even more, and they don't annoy me as bad now that I have a family of my own. You learn to love more when you grow up. And I really really really love my family. 
  
  
  10.) i have two kitties that i love and hate at the same time. they are the reason i have lack of sleep but are also the reason i'm happy to get home from work.
  **True that still! I still love them, they are huge and still get into things at night. But I have a baby that keeps me up at night now to add to their mischief. 
  
  
  11.) there has been one day since brandon and i started dating that we haven't spent together, and that was when i went out of town for my grandmothers funeral and he couldn't get off work. other than that one day, we live together, eat, sleep and do just about anything together. always and forever.
  **Oh my. That changed. We spend 5 months apart from each other while I was stuck on bedrest and he was stuck finishing school in another city. Hardest time of my life. 
  
  
  12.) i love painting even though i'm completely and utterly terrible at making any form of "art". i also have a ton of coloring books that have half pages colored because i get bored with them easily.
  **I really miss painting. 
  
  13.) i clean constantly. i will cook, and then clean up before i eat. brandon will be eating and i will follow him and pick up what crumbs he drops. i love our little loft apartment and can't stand for it to be messy. i hate messy places, they make me feel dirty and uncomfortable.
  **Still very very true, and has increased in obsession. Sometimes I have to sit back and realize that my house is a home where people live and not a museum.
  
  14.) i have a good group of guy friends that are usually at my house daily. they play video games with brandon and i and we talk shit to each other. just like guys do. (once again, i'm not a dyke)
  **No friends. 
  
  
  15.) i cannot wait to get married and start a family with brandon. i want a christmas wedding that i've already planned out in my head. i also have children's names already picked and want at least 4-5 kids of my own. 
  **Uh. No christmas wedding, it was fall. We have one baby who's name I picked that wasn't out of that group, and now having a child, I want 2. Not 5. 
  
  
  16.) i love babies and just recently got a job working at a daycare in the infant room. we're called the sugar bears, and i take pride in the fact that i take care of other people's children when they hardly do. i love my babies at work and would literally do anything for them. they see me more than they see their own parents, which i find extremely sad.
  **Still obsessed with babies. Completely obsessed with mine.
  
  17.) i've tried many times to be a vegetarian but can only stick with it for about a year to a couple months before i crack and go back to eating chicken. i love fried chicken and okra. as gross as that sounds.
  **I still eat meat. Can't do it. CHIGGEN.
  
  
  18.) i eat healthy. vegetables are always included in anything i eat. onions, broccoli and tomatoes are my favorite.
  **Still yum.
  
  
  19.) i hate petty, self centered, pretentious indie kids that only buy things from urban outfitters or some other trendy store online. i like some of the clothing, but frankly don't give a shit what i look like on the daily. 
  **Haha. Yes. It's gotten worse people. I don't even wear my contacts anymore. 
  
  
  20.) i love the beatles and elvis presley for the main fact that every song reminds me of my grandmother and that we would drive in my car, smoke cigarettes and sing to them.
  **Don't smoke anymore, and still listen to them on my ancient Ipod daily.
  
  
  21.) my grandmother died this year and i still can't seem to get over it. she was my best friend and the only person i have truly been close to. i wear some of her clothing she got at the thirft stores she worked at, i have her crazy personality and obsession with large purses to carry pointless and useless things like flashlights in.
  **God yes. Still miss you so much. My purses have become giant diaper bag purses with pointless baby things in them.
  
  

  
  

  22.) i'm really close with my mom and dad. i tell them just about everything and to me, they are my heroes. they've come so far from what they had, and i couldn't be any more proud of my dad and what he's done.

  **They are still my best friends.

  23.) when i was growing up i swore i was a boy until i hit jr. high and figured out that i couldn't really play football, legos' and soccer with the guys anymore. i was my dads only boy. it completely and totally sucks being a girl.
  **Ever given birth? Point proven. 
  
  
  24.) i have a huge obsession with hello kitty and owls. i currently have 72 owl things in my little loft apartment, and about 10 hello kitty appliances and toys as well.
  **My collection has only gotten larger. 
  
  25.) i love grammar and punctuation. i'm going to school to be an english teacher in hopes that i can teach children/teens the proper way to write a fucking paper.
  **Dropped out to have a family. Still love writing though, hence the blog. 

  
  

  And well, that's it for this boring, pointless post. Here is a picture just for funsies. 

  xoxo

  

  (Broby kisses to the max!)

  
  

Teeth, sitting, & a wooden spoon..

The teething monster has stolen my child and won't give her back!


Her two little bottom teeth are coming through, and only one of them has popped the tiniest bit out!
Any advice on teething babies? 
She'll be completely fine playing and laughing, and then a split second later start screaming in pain. I freak out and give her oragel/teething tablets when this happens and walk around with her.
Any other options people? It's killing me!



//
Moving forward, Dove sits up perfectly now. She still gangster leans to get the cats/dog though.
Who could blame her. They are hilarious. And giant.


And also, her new toys she come to love (besides her beloved bunny who's ears look like they are about to come unraveled from the chewing and beating of a 6 month old) is a wooden spoon, a rubber cover to a glass bottle, and her socks. I have such an odd little Dove. And i've spent so much money on toys, that she does play with, but let me tell you they aren't her favorite like that deadly wooden spoon.


Yes. That's daddy. He actually was home for dinner last night! (we had chicken, because I cooked, and well, that's all I cook pretty much.) It's so nice having him home. Papa working 3 jobs makes it difficult to see him and spend time with him. We miss him, and honestly at times I feel like a single mom. It's so nice to have him home and just to help a tad, even though I know he's exhausted.
I got to watch my Desperate Housewives premiere (AMAZING) and he bathed Dove for like the full hour so I could watch it in peace. It was just what I needed.
Lilly then proceeded to go to sleep early, and we got to spend time together watching that new Pan Am, which was actually really good and I couldn't stop watching it.
Not having cable does this to you people. Makes you get on a tv schedule for the week. I know, pathetic, but what is a lady supposed to do?

Time for coffee and Barney this morning.
xoxo.

The mama wolf. (new name?)

Yupp.
I switched back to my old name, (pre-baby) when I first started writing in this blog.
It makes more sense now that I am an official "mama wolf " but nonetheless; I love it.

Dovie is still my little Dove. (in case you were wondering, but I bet no one cares.)
And well, that's all for this post, y'all. I've currently got a screaming baby that has been attached to me constantly today. Her bottom teeth are poking through, and I must they are so damn adorable.
I can't believe my baby will have real chompers soon! Ack!
Such a big Dovie!
xoxo,

Catching up in photos y'all,

(Besties for the reals)

Yesterday was a hard day on us.
Lilly got her 6 month shots (finally, we're a little late because she was sick) and it was complete hell.

(After her shots. Not a happy girl)

She usually sleeps off the shots, and isn't really cranky, but my God. Yesterday and this morning have been awful. One of her legs is knotted and swollen. It hurts for me to even touch it and she screams out in pain. I feel terrible, and called the doctor and they said it's fairly normal, just to watch for a temperature and heat on the knot. :'( Anyway, we'll be switching off tylenol and advil today and hoping for the best, and of course; sanity.
As for the rest of the post (because my child is needing my hugs and kisses all day) is an update of pictures from the past couple of days, but mostly yesterday.

(Dovie & Daddy picked me a flower yesterday while on a walk)

(Going backwards in her walker, VROOM.)

(Jumping & eating, the only way she'll eat.)

(Breakfast date with the hubby, so yum.)

(coffee & continuing with the breakfast date)

(We call her "One-Legging-Lilly" with the in-appropriate mid-drift.)

 And that is all for now.
My baby is needing my love, so I promise a real update will be coming soon.
Xo.

Yesterday I almost went bald..

..I almost ripped my hair out. One by one, each and every hair on my head. I was "this" close, and so tempted to try out the bald look.

(My living room, or lack of one)

Lillian has been feeling/eating and doing better since on medicine, but for some reason, she is going through a separation anxiety phase (which honestly, she's been doing this her whole 6 months of life; she just figured out how to vocalize to get my attention.) 

Anytime I set her down, if I leave the room, (to use the bathroom, to wash dishes, to put up laundry, etc.) she screams. Not a colic scream like she used to. But a winey, "fake" scream. I guess I should say cry, because that's what she's trying to make herself do- but it just comes out "AHHHH! AHHHHH! AHHHHH!" As if someone was chopping her little baby fingers off (they aren't) she's just sitting in her walker and not being held. 

She's also decided to sleep through the night (YAY!) but take about two, 30 minute cat naps a day. This is good and bad, because although I'm getting a good 9 hours of sleep (she wakes up at 7 a.m. on the dot, always) she is literally on me 24/7. Preventing me from getting anything done (I know, I complain too much.) but I'd just love to take a shower by myself, use the bathroom, etc. But this is always a problem for me, and it won't ever be solved until she is 18+ and gone. (which I don't ever want to happen!) So I will take it all in, and breathe. 

BREATHE. BREATHE. Count to 10. BREATHE.  Repeat a million times.

And that was my day yesterday. 

I was breathing a lot (more than it takes to live, I assure you) and counting my butt off. 

*

This is unrelated, but contributed to my terrible day:

When driving with a screaming baby in the car, you want to hurry to your destination. Not get behind the slowest girl on the face of the earth texting on her phone. She proceeded to break to get me to back off- which I didn't, because I was 2 feet away from my apartment, and when I finally got to pass her, she flipped me off, and well, I can't say that I had the best response either.

But seriously? How did she even notice me behind her since her text conversation was way more important than driving the speed limit? KDJFL:SDKJFSDL.

*

I'm praying that today is better, (as for she's in her jumper letting me write this post) but she is a sneaky little bird, and can snap at any given moment. :) 

As for other news that is related to breathing, Brandon is sick with a sinus infection and I'm freaking out hysterically because I just got Lilly well. What if I get it? What if she gets it and it won't go away for another 2+ months? What if she gets RSV again and it goes to her lung causing her to get pnemonia again? What if. What if. What if. 

If someone could please reassure me that it will all be ok, that'd be great. :/

And that's all I've got cry about for today. 

 I should call this the blog about crying about my life, right?

Anyway, off to church for us! Praying it goes well! 

xoxo,

The Owl Hat timeline...

My past post made me realize that this little hat (given to us by a dear friend,) has been worn some, but not a lot. Probably because it's been 100+ degrees this summer I'd say, but since it's getting colder, I cannot wait to add on more pictures to this timeline! And hopefully, this hat will fit her giant bald (ADORABLE) head for many more months to come... 

(newborn)

(newborn)

(newborn)

(going home from the hospital, day 4)

(2 months)

(6 months)

My oh my how the time has flown by with you my little hoot. You're face has changed so much, but yet is still the same to me. How has this little baby bird turned into such a beautiful little dovie? I love you so, Lillian. Xoxo.

Colder weather means,

Adorable babies dressed up in adorable cardigans and owl hats..


Robot bottles...

Chubby baby legs in leg-warmers... (major red-head here.)

and yummy soup!


Xoxo,

Not Wordless Wednesday.

For some odd reason, whether it was me jinxing myself that Lilly was sleeping through the night again or what, my child decided to be up all night last night. (On and off to clarify.)
How? I don't know. Because she barely naps during the day. It's hell putting her to bed and keeping her asleep. What do I do?

-Drink coffee. And lots of it.

So here is to another day of no naps, no sleep and running on no sleep.
OH. And I have to go to the dentist in 2 hours. So uncool for a Wednesday.

On another note, while Dove plays and rolls around on the floor this morning, I just want to pin-point that I'm turning my blog back into "my blog." I tried so hard to make mommy friends on here with Top baby Blogs and so and on so forth, but honestly, it's not worth it. Half the moms lie about how wonderful their lives and children are, how they are oh so different and vintage, when in reality no one's life is like that. (Unless your rich I've decided.) So fare-well to the mom-blog-snobs. I've tried to connect with so many mommy's with children my babies age, just to talk. But apparently they never respond so that is all I'm going to waste my time on with that.

Now, the rest of this post will be about coffee:
I have desperately been trying to copy Mcdonalds "Iced Latte's" for a while now and can't seem to get it right. For some reason I think that their coffee tastes like heaven, and mine tastes like poo. 
I try different creamers, different brands, different techniques and still can't seem to get the flavor I want, which makes me entirely too sad. I still drink my poo coffee, because lets face it, I'd be passed out on the floor if I didn't. So anyway, if anyone reads this terrible post and knows what is an amazing tasting coffee, or perhaps has cracked the code to that creepy clowns secret recipe; let me know.
Until then, I think that's all I have to "nag" about today. I'm sure there is tons more, but apparently Lilly has thrown her crinkle book across the living room floor in an uproar, so I'm done blogging for the morning.
Bye fake, hello reality.
xoxo.

Oh wait, did you want pictures? Here you go. I'll upload these for funsies:

(Young loves)

(Wall-E was our thing.)

          Can you believe the above people ^ made this cuteness? 

I know. She is so adorable. 

(this is how Lilly reads books)

(Sitting up so good! Can you tell she doesn't nap?)

Yay!

(These rolls make me want to squeal.)

This past weekend I took Lilly to the doctor, once again. Her eyes were still matted shut in the mornings, she was still congested, and wasn't sleeping or eating STILL.
I saw the weekend clinic doctor who was super nice, diagnosed two ear infections, and instead of giving her amoxacillion, she gave her cefdinir, which is way stronger and a broader spectrum medicine.
Since Dove's been on it (4 days) she's been eating like she's never eaten before. I can't shovel baby food in her mouth fast enough. She's sleeping through the night again (because she's eating during the day again!)
I kept telling her doctor and everyone that it wasn't just a "clogged tear duct" or "allergies." She was sick and has been sick for 2 months now, bless her little heart. My poor baby.
Anyway, she's eating like a champ, happy, and overall feeling better.
So yay to that weekend doctor. And yay to medicine!



Until next time! I leave you with the mystery of "Perry the Platypus!"

Where's Perry?

Daddy clearly isn't Perry, but it's all we've got to work with.

XOXO. 

Letters to Lillian: (You're 6 months darling Dovie!)

Dear Lillian Rose,

I've been wanting to write you letters on here, and I have, they are just scattered, not timed, and overall mushed together with your mama's other random ramblings, and for that, I apologize.
From now on, each month, I will write to you. Hoping that one day you'll read this and realize how amazing you were when you were just such a little tiny dove.

You are my baby. And you are 6 months old. HALF A YEAR. I've held you, comforted you, fed you and played with you a full, entire half year. Can you believe it? Because daddy and I can't. It seems like only yesterday I was on bedrest with you in my belly, stretching mama's skin to the max while you kicked my ribs to death. And only last week I feel like we were in the hopsital, having you, holding you, watching your every move, and listening for every new little noise. And it seems like just last night you were screaming your head off due to colic, and I was pacing the house every 2 hours trying to calm you down, almost crying. 6 MONTHS. You are my baby and you are 6 months old.

In the past 6 months, you've learned to roll over (everywhere) , almost sit up on your own, eat baby food, hold your own bottle (only when you want to) , flirt with daddy, flirt with strangers, try to make me laugh, laugh at mama's silly faces, make adorable and kind of scary noises, grab things with your little hands, suck your toes, bang on anything and everything (including mama's face) , drink out of a sipppy cup, drink out of mama's cup, and drink out of a straw. You have no intrest in crawling, and still hate being on your stomach. I'll leave you there for minutes at at time, and you'll be fine, and then you will flip, because you have a temper, like me. A bad one. You love to stand and dance, so I'm sure if you don't crawl, you'll be walking sooner than later. You've become attached to your bunny (from the Velveteen Rabbit) and you chew on his ears like they are bread. You want real food, and just the other day I gave you some of my soup with rice and you LOVED it. You're still toothless, and your gums are still the cutest thing I've ever seen. You love looking at yourself in the mirror, and proceed to lick yourself as if knowing you are so adorable that everyone could eat you up! You know how to pout and work your lower lip to get what you want (cuddles, "whats the matter with my baby", etc.) and it's the cutest damn thing I've ever seen. EVER. 
You've had 3 ear infections in your tiny little life, and seem to always be congested no matter what I do, and it breaks my heart; literally. It's been proven you have allergies just like daddy. You have also been growing your hair nicely, and daddy and I can't seem to get enough of "your smell."
You still don't sleep through the night, (some nights are better than others) but you wake up hungry once throughout the night. You refuse to drink your bottles during the day because everything else is more interesting and you've apparently got better things to do. (like rip my hair or earrings out.)
When you reached 5 months it seemed that your colic went away (suddenly) and you became this little lovable  happy baby. You let others hold you (besides mommy and daddy) and don't scream your head off when left with grandparents. (at least not constantly.) You love ripping your brother cats hair out and hit/pat them whenever they are near. You love phones and I'm sure will be a gadget freak like your mother and father.
Each day you do something new (like clapping) and I can't get enough of you, or sleep it seems. ;)
You are my best friend, and I can't imagine life without you.
You are my heart. You are my darling dovie.

Xoxo,
Mama.


Now here is a look at how you spent your 6 month birthday:
You are amazing, Lillian Rose.

Park love.

Hi. I love my little family and the sweet moments we get once in a while to just relax and be cute. I promise that I'll write a post that actually has meaning soon, until then, enjoy.

xoxo